Saturday I made a huge decision to become beachbody coach. I have been contemplating doing it for a very long time and yesterday my coach gave me the best kind of push he possibly could and I went ahead and committed.
That’s the key to fitness anyway- commitment. I may as well jump in 100% So here I am.
I thought I’d share my health journey that led up to this point:
When I was 11 we moved to Hawaii. That sounds amazing right? Well 12-14 were the MOST awkward years of my life. My body was changing. I was surrounded by teeny girls whose heritage left them lean- there I was with baby fat. Lots of it. I would also say that things at home were tough. I felt really bad about myself. I felt ugly. I had a friend in 8th grade tell me we were the ugly ducklings- we would always be. I had another friend tell me that I was rubbing off on her when she started gaining some weight. I don’t think either was meant hatefully, but I internalized those feelings.
8th grade baby fat 9th grade slim down
Moving into high school my body started to even out. I was in marching band. I was losing weight. I barely ate, and when I did my choices were terrible. Pop tart for breakfast, school lunch, saimin soup and a cherry cola after school before band practice. I was starting to feel good about how I looked though until a friend asked me if I had an eating disorder- her mom wanted to know how I’d gotten so skinny. I don’t even know what I said, but my feelings were hurt that someone thought the only way I could be thin was if I had an eating disorder.
My family was moved to Virginia before my sophomore year. I would gain a few pounds then lose a few. I maintained without effort. I wasn’t healthy though. Mentally I fell farther and farther into depression. I tried taking my life a few times. I looked in the mirror and only saw fat and flaws. I would have panic attacks often, but I had no idea what these were. I cut to help with the pain I felt about being lonely sad. I doubt any of my friends knew. I learned how to smile in public and pretend everything was fine.
Heading to college I learned I was clinically depressed, I learned that I had anxiety. I am pretty sure I probably also have body dysmorphia. College brought fear of the freshman 15. I remember friends packing on weight, I remember friends spending hours at the gym. I started going too. I’d do an hour or so of cardio and feel good. My weight fluctuated around my friendships, around my relationships. When I was happy I was thin, when I was unhappy I gained.
The summer after my Junior year my Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. I was paralyzed emotionally. I barely ate. I was teeny. I got back to school in the fall and remember feeling like I was where I wanted to be physically. I maintained this unhealthily into my senior year. Then I was in a relationship that made me feel terrible. He was emotionally abusive. He would tell me how fat I was on a regular basis, among other demeaning things. He nit picked every part of my body. I would cry knowing I wasn’t skinny enough. As with my emotions so too my weight continued to be all over the place.
I graduated college and graduate school. I started my job as an elementary teacher. I became an adult. I bought P90x, and would run in the mornings. I joined a gym and started working out at 5am before school on an elliptical. I would feel like I made ground, I would start to lose and he would say something and I would give up all over again. I was inconsistent because I never felt like what I did made any difference.
It wasn’t until a spring break at Myrtle Beach that was a turning point for me. On the beach in my one-piece he told me I was fat. He wanted a girlfriend who could rock a bikini and his next girlfriend would. I had envisioned marrying him. I hid my face in my towel and cried. We ended almost 5 years in a text message and I spiraled down a hill of depression.
The following summer I made a choice to move to Texas. For a fresh start. It would be the biggest mistake ever- but I would grow the most from it. I lost everything in that move. I ended up jobless, friendless, and I felt stranded. I filled my days with binge eating fast food to fill the void and frustration that everything had gone wrong. My Dad brought me back to Virginia. I moved in at my parents and the stress of feeling like a failure living with my family made me eat more and more.
The school where I’d gotten a job at was terrible. My boss was a relentless dictator that played favorites and made me feel like I was a terrible teacher. When my boyfriend of 6 months deployed everything fell apart. I was forced into resigning from the school so that my boss wouldn’t be able twist things into me getting fired the next year. My boyfriend changed under the stress of deployment and became mean- commenting on my weight with every Skype call. That summer, two months after my boyfriend deployed I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I kept it a secret and ballooned to 170lbs.
I knew I had to make a change. I joined a new gym and worked out endlessly. I started weight training. I would take classes. I started watching everything I ate. I saw results and wanted more. I dropped 30 pounds in 3 months, but I still wasn’t happy with myself. I was looking for happiness elsewhere and not from within.
Then last summer June 2014 my big little brother passed suddenly. I started living like there was no tomorrow. I ate whatever I wanted. I drank heavily. I stayed out all night. Grief makes you do some crazy things that you would not usually do. I tried 21 day fix, would finish 21 days and go right back to what I was doing before. I would let boyfriends and friends distract me from what I knew I needed to do, and I continued the gain and lose pattern.
up and down again
I’m ready to break the yo-yo that’s been my journey. I’ve learned A LOT about clean eating over this last year. I know more about what goes into our foods. How and when to eat. I know I can lose weight. I’ve been working on myself. I’ve been working on being happy with me- getting centered emotionally and taking control of my anxiety. I know that right now I’m going to start becoming the best me possible.
I am most excited to be able to take my experiences and help everyone else on their journeys to becoming happy and healthy. I feel like I’ve gained weight for every reason possible on the earth so that I would know most of the struggles that happen a long the way for others. I feel like I’ve found my calling. I only wish I’d done this sooner 🙂
Thanks for reading,